My Daily Flow in Various Seasons of life
I think a lot of people look at the day I'm living now and feel this sense of envy or even a victim mentality. They see me talk about my slow mornings on social media or watch as I spend the afternoons with my horses thinking:
"Must be nice..."
"I can't do that because my kids are young..."
"I work a full time job so I can't..."
It makes me wonder too, do people think I don't work? Do they think I've just got money flowing in from the universe or have no kids or responsibilities so I can just play all day?
As I've began to write my book, it's been like a little trip down memory lane as I've started writing about some different seasons in my life.
I actually told one of my one on one clients that it's kind of been an emotional roller coaster but I'll save those details for another blog post or you'll just have to read my book.
Will you take a little trip to through some lives with me? I'd like to share what my daily flow looked like during some hard & beautiful seasons of my life.
My hope is that by the end of this blog, you'll have a deeper understanding of my life and the seasons I've gone through. I also hope it allows you to see why I feel so deeply in love with where I am today. In addition, I hope it sparks something in you, a little fire to make some changes (if needed) to the flow of the season you're in.
2007:
I was a new mom in 2007 and was also pregnant with my second daughter. I had a full-time job and a husband who was in the picture if he felt like it that day. Drugs were his first priority, my kids and surviving were mine. My flow looked like this:
After a somewhat sleepless night of tossing and turning, worried about if & when my husband was going to come home, getting used to laying down with a big belly squishing me, and my 6 month old's inconsistent sleeping habits, I woke up at 6 am. I wish I could say I woke up with the sun but instead, it was either to the sound of a screaming baby or a violent alarm clock, you know, the ones that jar you awake?
I'd spend the first hour of my morning changing a diaper, feeding my daughter & trying not to fall back asleep as I waited for her to eat. I'd put her in a bouncy chair next to me while I got ready for work, pausing every 15 seconds to adjust her or distract her. I'd change another diaper & pack her bag for the day heading out the door. After dropping her off at daycare, I'd drive through McDonald's for a coffee & hash brown before pulling into work, taking a big breath, and clocking in. I'd work from 7:30 or 8am until 4:30p in a call center job that I hated. I'd answer phone call after phone call, mostly upset customers complaining about their bills. I'd take a 30 minute lunch break, popping my Tostitos Pizza into the microwave and zoning out with coworkers. After work, I'd head to pick up my daughter from daycare & drive home, completely exhausted. I'd think about dinner but get distracted with my daughter, unpacking her diaper bag and picking up the house. I'd lay with her on the floor, my camcorder in hand, just staring at her, trying to capture every moment as if they'd be the last. I'd start a load of laundry as I held her and migrate to the kitchen to see which flavor of Hamburger Helper I was in the mood for. I'd sit at the dinner table, usually just her & I, alternating between my own bites of food & "airplane-ing" mashed peas into her mouth which she'd quickly pull out and smear on her highchair. I'd put her on the floor to play next to me while I cleaned up dinner & washed dishes. Drained of energy, I'd bring some toys on the floor in the living room and we'd lay there together, playing & recharging. I'd start the bath & wipe her down, splashing & making noises as I blew bubbles into the air. After bath time, I would help her into her cute footed pj's and play with her, reading to her a little bit before helping her into bed, praying to the Gods that she'd fall asleep fast. With the baby monitor on, I'd hop in the shower myself and crash into bed not long after, hoping that both Kenzie & I would get a solid nights sleep.
2010:
I had two toddlers at this point, they were 19 months apart so my hands were full. My husband hadn't made a lot of progress with his drug use but it had evolved into some affairs which I had a hard time dealing with. I had developed depression along with some disordered eating habits that I did my best to hide. Working two jobs, my flow went something like this:
My violent alarm would go off around 5 am and I wasn't allowed to snooze, I told myself. I'd start my pot of coffee & hop in the shower, trying not to wake the whole house because once the kids were up, the morning was no longer mine. I'd get my scrubs on and pack my bag for the day, including my uniform for my second job. Once I was ready, I'd wake up the kids, feed them breakfast, and help them get dressed for the day, usually in a matching outfit. It was my favorite thing to do, dress them like twins. I'd pop a couple of laxatives in my mouth, head out the door, bags & kids in tow, and drop them off at their babysitters house, kissing them goodbye & handing out see-you-laters as they cried, not wanting me to leave. I'd put the pieces of my heart back together just in time to pull into the hospital parking lot and catch the shuttle bus that would drop me off at the front doors. I'd timed my laxatives just perfectly so I could run to the bathroom & have about 15 minutes before opening the lab at 7 am, usually greeting the first patients that were waiting for us to open the doors. I'd take my lunch break, heading down to the cafeteria & ordering chicken strips & fries, then finish out my work day as a phlebotomist. I'd get off work at 3 pm and b-line it straight to the babysitters so I could pick up the girls and drop them off at home where my nighttime sitter would be waiting. I'd overload them with kisses & affirmations, more so for me than them, and tell the sitter thank you before heading to my second job. I would walk into Applebee's, change my clothes in the bathroom, and start my waitressing shift. I'd get off work, anywhere from 8 pm to 11 pm, eating my dinner right after my shift ended. It was typically an order of Fiesta Lime Chicken, so good. I'd drive home with just enough energy to shower when I walked in the door. I'd peek in on the kids, kiss them quietly on the cheek so I didn't wake them, and crash into bed, energy depleted.
2013:
I felt some hope for my marriage again during this season of my life. My husband was clean and we were plugged into a church community. I had recently quit my job to be a stay at home mom and was in the beginning phases of entrepreneurship with a scarf business on Etsy & a new fitness business that gave me some hope.
My husbands violent alarm would go off around 6 am and I'd wake up with him, unable to fall back asleep. I'd start my pot of coffee & head to the girls' room to wake them up for school. I'd pop some frozen waffles in the toaster & giggle with the girls as they at breakfast and I sipped my coffee. I'd give them directions to get ready to school while I took some time to get myself dressed, interrupted every little bit with questions they had about their outfits, backpacks, or school work. My husband would leave for work as the girls & I waved goodbye to him out the window. We'd jump in the car & head to drop Kenzie off at Kindergarten. We were always a little early in the drop off line so we'd turn up some music and I'd laugh as they sang Katy Perry at the top of their lungs. Once Kenzie was inside the building with her teacher, Bella & I would head to preschool. I'd walk Ella into school as she clung to my hand for dear life, tears welling up in both of our eyes. She'd been in daycare for so long but at this age, in "big girl school" the separation anxiety tore us both apart. I'd kiss her goodbye and head back home. I'd throw on some leggings and a tank top and make some pre-workout before pushing play on my workout for the day. The 90 minute workouts felt like a little bit of love I could give myself each morning. I'd make myself some eggs & toast before going into our 3rd bedroom which I'd converted into my office. I pulled up all the orders I needed to fulfill on Etsy and started crafting & packaging. I would only have an hour or so before I needed to head to pick Ella up from [half-day] preschool but an hour was better than nothing. After I picked her up, listening to all the details from her busy morning at school, we got home & I made her the daily lunch request: blueberries & cottage cheese. I'd lay her down in my office and put on a movie for her to rest while I took another hour or two finishing up some of my Etsy orders. Around 2 pm, we'd get our shoes on and make the 20 minute walk to Kenzie's school to pick her up if it was nice outside. Bella would walk with me as I carried Kenzie's scooter so she could ride it on our walk home. Kenzie would rush out of the school with a giant smile pasted on her face, ready to hit the pavement. After our 20 minute walk back home, the girls would sit at the bar in our kitchen & I'd help them with all of their homework, usually just one page, while they ate their snack. The next hour or so was spent laughing and playing with them in between laundry, housework, and dishes. I'd start getting dinner ready just about the time that their dad got home from work as I watched them crash into him with excitement as the door opened. After we ate dinner as a family, we'd take a little walk outside, watching the kids scooter and play before heading back in the house for baths & showers. After putting the kids to bed [and them coming back to the living room 2-3 times because they couldn't sleep], Bret & I would turn on whatever show we were watching and plop ourselves down on the couch. I'd grab my laptop & put one headphone in while I dove into training videos for the fitness business I was just starting. I'd look over, Bret asleep on the couch, and continue working until 12-1 am most nights. I'd wake him up and we'd wander off to bed, crashing into a deep sleep.
2016:
One of the hardest seasons of my life came as I moved to Colorado from California after my husband had been hospitalized for his drug withdraws. Hoping to start over, things just got worse and I eventually filed for divorce, became a single parent, and got extremely sick with Ulcerative Colitis [all within one year] which led to multiple surgeries the following year.
I'd wake up around 5:30 am with a little gentler alarm. The house was quiet and my bed empty, I welcomed the solitude. I wiped the sleep from my eyes as I wandered to my bathroom for the first of many toilet trips during this season of my life. In pain, I'd eat 1/2 of an edible and wander to wake up the kids. They put up a little more of a fight to wake up nowadays, whining and asking to sleep for a little while longer. I'd head into the kitchen to make my tea before having to check on them a couple more times to get up so they didn't miss the bus. As they got dressed, I'd be in and out of my bathroom, feeling the worst fatigue I'd ever felt. I'd stand with Dexter & my tea, waving to them from the balcony that overlooked red rock formations & Denver to the east. And inhale & quick exhale, then I'd turn around and head back to the bathroom. I wore depends during the day, mostly because as my body woke up, I began to have less and less control of my bowels. I'd make some cream of rice for breakfast & head to the bathroom one more time before turning on the tv and planting on the couch to do some work from my laptop. These days, I had a hard time making it from my living room to the guest bathroom which was probably 30 ft. away so working from the living room, resting, and working felt like the best option. I'd spend the day on calls with my team, in my email inbox responding to prospects, and on social media, building my following & connecting with people. I couldn't believe this was my business now, not only that but it was my sole income and the thing that gave me the courage to leave my husband. That little fitness business became my ticket to financial freedom and gave me the ability to make money while resting my body. The days would slowly pass, episode after episode in between calls & emails and bathroom breaks. I'd pause for more cream of rice for lunch and get back to it. When the girls got off the bus, I'd know because Dexter would lose his mind. We'd sit out on the patio, welcoming as they ran up and into the house. We'd sit and connect some while they told me about their day at school and I'd coach them on how to start laundry to take some of the load off of myself. I'd sit out on the balcony, soaking in the fresh air and listening to music as the girls joined me on & off. They'd usually lay in the hammock, telling me about their day and drama at school while I sat and stared at the mountains. If I had enough energy, we'd head out on the paths through our neighborhood to the park, giving Dexter a little exercise. It was about the only movement I did at this time in my life. That home, that space, it felt like my healing space, grounding. I'd make my way to the kitchen and make our dinner while the girls plopped on the couch and turned on a Disney movie. I'd take breaks I needed to for the bathroom, asking them to stir or watch the stove so I could do my business. We'd eat dinner, finish the movie, and start our showers & skincare before heading to bed. There'd be one little argument before we turned off all the lights as to who would be the one to take Dexter potty before bed. I'd always lose, but I secretly enjoyed the little adventure with him.
2020:
Oh, the year of the global pandemic. I don't know if many of us had normal routines during this time however, I had already been working from home so I felt like I was a step ahead of some people in adjusting to the chaos that was to come. I had just moved into a loft in downtown Denver with my girls, Dexter, and my new(ish) boyfriend.
I was up when I was up. It felt kind of nice not having to set an alarm because, well, none of us had any places to be. The girls were out of school and my boyfriend was mostly working from home. We woke up mostly because of kisses in the face from Dexter, telling us he had to pee really bad. I'd get out of bed and head to the bathroom to empty my Ostomy bag [officially permanent in 2018]. I'd put my mask on, get Dexter on his leash, and head out into the wild. The streets would be empty but I'd exchange head nods with the other people out letting their fur babies potty. We'd head up the elevator and back into our loft and I'd wipe Dexter's feet with a disinfectant cloth before letting him free range back into our home. We may have been a little overboard with some of these tactics, but who knows. I'd head to the bedrooms to wake up the kids so they could hop on their online classes then head downstairs to get my workout clothes on. I probably had posted to social media a few times by this point before getting into the kitchen to make my pre-workout. My fitness business was still going strong, especially since the majority of the world was looking for at home fitness programs. I went upstairs to the loft and scrolled through my requests for "Lip sync with Raina" - a segment on my social media I had created a year or so before, where I'd take song requests and lip sync to them while sipping my pre-workout. I know this sounds so cringe now but I'd get hundreds of requests and honestly have a blast being silly and waiting for my lips to tingle (my sign that it was time to workout). I'd post my videos & greet my boyfriend as he joined me for my 30-45 minute workout. After, I'd head down to make us a post-workout shake & edit my workout videos to share on my stories. I'd check in on the kids, offering to make them breakfast. They'd be doing school work or scrolling on their phones, asking if they could head up to the roof to hang out, only to remind them that the roof was closed due to Covid restrictions. I'd sit at my office desk in the living room with Harry Potter or another movie as my background noise while we all go to work [on actual work or school]. I'd still spend my day on calls with my team or in my email inbox, those daily actions hadn't changed much over the last few years so I was getting really efficient with them, spending more time building my social media than anything else. I'd film some content for brands in between calls, emailing them out to the companies for approval. I'd pause around 12 pm to make our lunch which always actually looked like breakfast. Eggs, a breakfast meat, avocado (if we could find it at the store) and toast, the same thing every day to make shopping easier. We had started to do meat delivery online because the stores were so empty and scarce. In the afternoons, I'd spend another hour or two working and then take a break with my boyfriend to take Dexter on another walk. We'd again mask up and make our way through the quiet streets of Denver, just talking about our day and the world. Dinner would roll around and I had to get kind of creative with it, feeling boredom already about having the same meals every day. Our "treat nights" would be frozen pizza because we didn't feel comfortable eating out or dining in. We'd play with Dexter on the floor, catch up on housework or laundry, or play board games before turning on a movie. Our lives had become so simple and routine, I knew exactly what the next day was going to look like as I laid in bed and tried to fall asleep.
2023:
I remember my therapist telling me, "Raina, what if all the bad things that were going to happen in your life have already happened? How would you life each day knowing that?" It stuck and shifted my approach to parenting, entrepreneurship, and my relationships. I had split from my boyfriend of nearly 4 years, and had spent some time journaling & in therapy to learn how to love myself, I had shifted my business to take a new approach vs. strictly fitness-focused, and I embraced the journey of single parenting.
I intentionally didn't set an alarm the night before, knowing that either Archie, my 3 year old Golden Retriever, or the sun would wake me up. My money was on Archie, but I welcomed it. He'd nudge his big moose nose into the crease between my neck and chin, wiggling my head from it's slumber. I'd have to pivot my face away quickly under the sheets or the next move from him would be a gentle paw to the face. I learned the hard way. I'd slowly step out of bed and into the bathroom to empty my Ostomy bag & get my slippers on. He'd be patiently waiting for my by the bedroom door, exploding from the doorway as soon as it opened. I'd peek in on Bella, my youngest, only to see that she was already dressed, putting on her make up for the day. She'd ask me to put on a cup of coffee, smiling, I'd say yes because I preferred she drink that vs. the red bull she'd make her sister stop and get at the gas station before they went to school. I'd head downstairs and into the basement to wake up Mckenzie who always put up a fight. Dexter would excitedly jump off the bed as Kenzie moaned at me to shut the door. She isn't a morning person and will sleep through 5 alarms if I set them all right next to her face so it took some work. After making sure she wouldn't fall back asleep, I head up to the kitchen, turn on my kettle, and pour my almond milk into a sauce pan to heat up after opening the sliding door for the dogs to go potty. While my liquids warmed, I'd start getting the dogs supplements and medications ready, before feeding them their breakfast. I'd make my matcha and head upstairs to journal as the boys followed below my feet. I'd check in again on Bella, only to let her know that Kenzie was up but she may want to check in on her in a few minutes. Kenzie was now in charge of taking Bella to school, even though Kenzie decided to finish her senior year online. Heading into my bathroom to get my workout clothes on, I'd hear Bella yell goodbye & I'd yell back, telling her bye & to have a good day at school. The door would slam behind them, probably Kenzie. I turn on my audiobook, I'm listening to a new author, Mark Rashid, and his series of books about Equine work. Once I'm dressed, make up on, and hair in a bun, I make my bed and head back downstairs with the boys. I secure Dexter's diaper [he's been having quite a few accidents in protest since we moved into a new house] and kiss them both goodbye as I head out to pilates. After pilates, I grab a latte with one of my best friends and we connect and chat about as much of our lives as possible in the 15 minutes we get before I have to head back home to start my work day. I'll throw in a quick load of laundry before I put on some sweats and hop on my first zoom call of the day. I connect with 3-5 of my one on one clients as a Life Coach, feeling such deep connection and relating to each of them, navigating all kinds of seasons of their lives. I take my 15 minute pauses between sessions and snack on my pistachios or plantain chips while the boys take their potty breaks in our back yard or unload the dishwasher from the night before. Kenzie will pop upstairs now and then just to change the scenery in between her classes. In the afternoon, I write. It might be my blog like this or some of the manuscript for the book I'm going to publish in April 2024. I hear the front door open as the chaos of conversation between two teenage girls takes over the house. That's my cue to wrap up work and shift my lens. I'll put a leash on the dogs and either take them for a walk or wander off to the dog park for some fresh air and exercise. I enjoy this time, it allows me to turn work off and turn mom/me-mode on. Feeling reset, I come inside and connect with the girls for a little bit, mostly just to get some face time with them which feels rare in these teenage years. I'll change my clothes, throwing on jeans, an old t-shirt, and my boots and get in my car to head to the ranch. This is my safe space, my healing space, my grounding space. I park my car and walk in the barn, inhaling all of the earthy smells that the horses and ranch are emitting. Walking by each stall, I greet each horse by name as they say hello in return with a little whinny. I spend the next two hours there with my mustangs, Joey & Cesar. We might ride, we might do ground work, we might just spend time grooming and playing in turnout. I feel my soul connect on a deep level to these two boys the entire time I'm here, life coming back into my body. I kiss them both goodbye and head back home to make dinner for one as my kids have already made themselves food or are out with friends. Sometimes I wonder if I should feel lonely at night, but I don't, I feel full. I feel satisfied with self-love, my heart expanding each day with the four 4-legged men in my life and the two teenage girls who are my best friends. I eat dinner, turning on some sort of reality tv, cleaning up the kitchen as I finish the episode. I wipe off the kitchen counters, straighten the blankets & pillows in the living room, and toss all the dog toys into their bins before shutting off the lights and heading upstairs. I tell both of my girls goodnight & wander into my bathroom to shower & do my skincare. I'll lay in bed, turning on the lamp beside me and grabbing my current read, usually a smut book. After reading for 30 mins or so, I'll turn my ocean sounds on my phone, set my alarm just incase Archie decides to sleep in [thought I never have to use it], and turn my lamp off. A kiss on Archie's little cheek, I whisper goodnight to him and fall asleep quickly.
I'm not sure if you noticed but I've realized a sort of pattern since I've been sharing more of my journey & writing out details of my life.
It seems like every 3 years or so, there's a major pivot in my life.
It could be a birth, a job change, a divorce, illness, something that changes the trajectory of my life and therefor changes my daily flow.
I've never been one to look back and wish that things would be like they used to.
I hear that a lot: "Back in the day I used to be able to do this or that and things just seemed to flow easier..."
Instead of wishing that things were as they used to be, I've developed this sort of surrender mentality.
I can [in the same breath] release what was, bring in some radical acceptance for how things have shifted, and take a moment to realign my vision and daily actions.
Of course, it could have been easier to get up and do a morning workout before work 5 years ago. But, that's probably because you didn't have kids or they were a different age, you were younger, your job maybe looked differently, whatever the shift - you're not the same person you were 5 years ago.
Hell, as you can see, every 3 years I change the person I am, completely.
However, no matter what season of life I was in, no matter how much was going on, my vision for what was next kept me moving forward. I knew it was all temporary, all of it.
So my advice to you, reader:
1. Release what was
2. Accept what's shifted and/or changed
3. Realign your vision & actions
Where you are isn't where you always have to be.
Remember?
