Welp, it’s starting to feel like an empty nest. Funny, I spent so many years wanting this - kids grown, moving out, my own space and flow - and now that it’s approaching quickly, it’s like I can’t cling on fast enough.

Kenzie and I went to the dog park the day before last and we talked about Bella leaving. She said it’s crazy how we’re all going in our separate ways. Bella to Kansas - me and Arch to who knows where - Kenzie, Rock, and Dex somewhere in Denver.

I laughed saying, “Ugh, I don’t wanna talk about it!” She laughed and I looked over, both of us catching the tears in each others eyes. These girls have been my life, my best friends for the last 19 years - since I was 18.

Funny thing, time.

Where has this year gone? Jan-October feel like three different lifetimes. Retreats in the new year, meeting MJ, launching my book, doing my equine retreats on my own, so much travel, getting engaged, losing my job, Ella moving in with Bret, now - now feels unrecognizable.

I’m breathing though, it’s my only option - to move through it all.

Bella won’t be here a week from now. In 7 months, I may not be sitting in this chair, in this living room - with all three boys. Kenzie is so excited to get her own place - wanting to take some of the furniture and both Dexter & Rockie.

Life then - will be a mystery.

Annette did tell me that the next 6-9 months were going to be all about receiving and allowing. That’s crazy hard to do when it feels like everything around you is shifting. Like rugs are being pulled all around me yet I’m expected to stay grounded.

Exhale.

I’m someone that can confidently say that I’ve quite literally fallen into every job I’ve ever had.

In high school, I was a waitress and I loved it. I kept that job while I enrolled in college but when I got pregnant, I dropped out and got a big girl job that a friend connected me to.

I worked in that call center job until I was mid-pregnancy with my second child and because I hated it so much, I quit and decided to open a daycare in my home.

One of my daycare kids’ moms introduced me to the world of phlebotomy and I ended my daycare to work for ExamOne doing drawing blood and doing insurance exams.

With the work experience in phlebotomy, I applied later for a position with a children’s hospital in Kansas City, and got the job in their outpatient lab, eventually moving to the floors.

I then retired myself and gave a stab at being a stay at home mom. When boredom hit, I got creative and started making scarves and jewelry from home that I eventually started to sell on Etsy.

Before.

I never knew survival was like that.

After this.

Before we go.

The hazardous bliss.

Before. PJ said all weekend, how she used to ride before she grew a brain. That stuck with me on every ride this week.

How can I bring back that hazardous bliss? The joy and confidence I carried before life slapped me in the face?

I never knew survival was like that - wiping us clean of all the things that let us live.

After this, I'm taking some lessons home with me.

Dog taught me how to trust. Holding the reins and just riding. Part of me turned my brain off with him - channeling my inner chid + letting the wind hit my face, unbothered by how much could go wrong. Dog, you hot dog.

PJ’s message, I’ll carry that. Intentional about bringing back my joy & confidence, unwavered by the what ifs + could happens.

I'm tired of living in that space. Tired of worrying. Tried of fear. Tired of being so scared that everything I love can be taken away.

Dear Dog,

Oh sweet boy. I loved meeting you.

When I first met you, I noticed your little underbite and your big olè lip! It stuck out further than your upper lip like a little baby pouting.

You sniffed me and accepted the little kiss on your head, just like Cesar lets me do.

On the drive out here, I knew I was going to fall in love with whatever horse I got paired with and Dog, it felt like love at first sight with you. Every time I get on your back, you yawn, releasing all of the anxiousness I’m bombarding you with.

And then, a big exhale like you’re telling me, “We’ve got this.”

Our gallop on day one was exhilarating. It was my first time ever galloping - ever, did you know that?

You wouldn’t believe the stars this morning, luckily I’ve got a photo to prove it. Funny how photos never do it justice but this one came pretty close.

We were up early this morning, eager to watch the morning round up. One Wrangler on a horse heads out into the giant pasture screaming, “Whhhheeerrrrrppp, whooop!” at the top of her lungs and the herd starts moving. It was pretty beautiful, watching 60 horses make their way to the corrals. It was a crisp morning, around 43°, but well worth it.

I’m annoying myself with how much I talk about the healing power of horses but it’s something I get to experience every single day, here and at home.

It’s something I think you truly have to experience before you fully believe it.

I woke up today, unbothered by my income shift, business closure, and family pivots. Unbothered feels like a cold word, I think I mean: UNWORRIED.

Is that a word?

I sat for a while the other day, going through all of my saved reels to delete the sounds I’d saved over six months ago. Most were around the theme of being a strong and independent woman, needing no one (especially a man) to help me.

That’s kind of been the theme of my life for the last several years.

However, I’ve had the realization recently that sometimes the only way to truly heal certain pieces of my past life is to have someone who can mirror the cracks back to me, helping me see what needs to be healed and aiding in that process.

I can do anything but not everything.

When I got the question, I time-traveled back through my different lives and thought about the solo traveling I did after my divorce. I was in my late twenties/early thirties and on my own sort of eat-pray-love adventure.

I thought back to their earlier years when I was so deep in survival that I didn’t take that time for myself, traveling wasn’t an option during earlier seasons of my life, financially.

I was sitting at a coffee shop with MJ and we were talking about kids and technology, I told him there were so many things - technology included - that I wish I would have done differently as a parent. I wondered if I’d ever get the opportunity to raise another child.

What do you do if you enter a new relationship, start a new job, or enter a new season of life? How do you stay consistent in routine as life pivots?