Two Years Ago Today:
A journal entry: "...are my expectations of what I want in a relationship unrealistic?"
Journal Entry: September 28, 2022 // page 541
“I finished Maybe Now, a book by Colleen Hoover, and fell in love - with a fictional character named Jake. Haha! Oh, Raina…
I want a Jake. Exactly him. I even had a dream about him last night, we were on a date & I went to the bathroom, someone told him I had come out already and he left, mad that I left “with someone else.” I got in the car with Ali and some friends and explained the situation to them, then all was well with me & Jake. LOL - okay, Colleen is taking over my head but like I wrote a day or two ago - I’m done settling.
If that means letting go of Chad, Mike, and any other 4-lettered man - I will, as I wait for the person that feels right.
They’re out there - I’m going to believe that. They probably live in Encinitas, or Oregon/Washington - so I’ll just have to be patient and stop hoping to run into them in the neighborhood or grocery store.
Wait, he’ll show up.
I’m confident in that, manifesting that just like I am the business, the house, the yard & chickens, the horse, the money, the peace. It’s coming to me because I am worthy, capable, and deserving - not in a privileged sense but as an empowered human. Exhale.
One day at a time, one choice at a time.
I had therapy at 4:30 pm and it was awesome. We caught up before we dove into more EMDR work and it all kind of flowed together. She asked how the four points she collected at the end of my trauma timeline felt: trusting self, agency & choice, finding my true voice, and stability with self.
I shared how some of this had come up in my journaling this week. The inability or lack of trust with generally, everyone. I told her that she and Ali are the two people who I feel like I could share anything without judgment. Her sad face made me realize I should have more of a support system.
I told her I realized that was probably a contributing factor to the downfall of Chad & while she was quick to reassure me that she thinks I made the best decision for me, I never felt the safety of complete vulnerability with him.
I told her I had a dream about Jake, haha! I brought it up because I felt a bit discouraged asking: are my expectations of what I want in a relationship unrealistic? Or is it possible? Is Hoover in my head or can I realistically hold out for someone who makes me feel that way?
