Who do you see in the reflection?

Retreat Day Two: Breath Work Exercise & Trails

Journal Entry: 10/3/2024

I’m ready for coffee.

It’s day two, day one was great, we all met outside, intros and greetings before dinner. Over dinner we just chatted and got to know one another.

Why do I feel so awkward? Like socially - Lol I used to be like a light. The one people were drawn to, maybe it was my energy in Beachbody?

Without that light, what makes me shine? I think that is what I’d like to find: my light without my business to lean on, without anyone else shining it on me. Light myself up - that’s what I’d like to establish again. Breathing, I’m gonna go grab coffee.

Coffee in hand. Breathing. I miss MJ - my boys, the horses. I think about the girls and how independent they feel. I talked to Bret yesterday, Bella decided to go live with him. Feels uneasy, not because I’m worried but because it’s engrained. It feels like I’m supposed to hate him, supposed to be mad, and years ago I was. It feels like I’ve let that go and now I’m just ready for the help if I’m being honest with myself. I need to be now - honest.

The money & business stuff feels the heaviest, yet not as heavy as it did two or three days ago. It’s like time does heal, but maybe it’s just that time allows perspective. I am OK. How beautiful the timing, how cruel and beautiful.

I think about the timing, especially with MJ who feels like a strong, solid container. He feels like my rock, my steady. I don’t know if I’ve ever had that, a rock-steady.

I think it’s something I’ve craved for years, something I’ve yearned for, to be held and told that everything is gonna be OK. It’s like he’s hugging my inner child every time and she feels so safe.

Safety, it’s what I’ve searched for in others and found in myself. Yet, the pressure of being your own safety is so exhausting. It’s hard, being in your own rock. I did it, I can do it, yet I don’t want to do it forever. I feel so lucky to have found him.