Expanding my Bubble
“As someone who creates powerful and accommodating structure and routine in your life that works for you - has it been hard having someone enter that? Either for you or for your partner? Are you able to hold your boundaries around your routines and habits and/or are you able to integrate your partner into some or all of your routines? Or do you keep them to yourself? I think I struggle with this and lose my discipline around them or get easily irritated when I don’t set a clear boundary around what I need to do daily to feel aligned and successful.”
After I wrote my last blog, it got me thinking about MJ & I’s time together. I reflected on how much things have changed and shifted in the last several months.
As I sat there journaling & drinking my matcha, my brain wandered to the routine I used to have and some of the things I’ve recently let go of as we started dating and spending more time together.
I went through my DM’s and this question popped up, perfect timing, I thought.
I wanted to answer it with several paragraphs so I decided I’d turn it into a blog post, convinced there were other women struggling with the same thing: maintaining consistency in your routine as new people come in (and out) of your bubble.
I’ve navigated many seasons of this but something feels different this time.
I mean, from 2013-2022, my routine looked pretty much the same. I spent nearly a decade putting in consistent action and each day nearly looked the same:
I woke up around the time the sun woke up.
I fed my dogs and made my morning drink. Depending on the season I was in, it was coffee, apple cider vinegar & lemon, or matcha.
I’d sit and sip while I read one chapter of my personal development book.
I’d send the kids out the door to catch the school bus then turn on my podcast or music while I got my workout clothes on.
I recorded a video for Instagram while I made my pre-workout & lip-synced to some songs before sitting down to write one page in my journal.
As my face started to tingle, I’d wrap up my writing & post my stories, then push play on a home workout, usually about 30 minutes.
After my workout, I’d make my superfood shake (recording it daily) and drink it, usually outside, to take a pause.
I’d do a quick outfit change and start my day, either on client calls, working on content or emails, or running errands.
Lunch every day would start with a celery juice was typically followed by avocado toast.
Afternoons looked the same.
Kids home from school and a dog walk, starting dinner & eating the same foods each night.
I’d watch an episode of Handmaids Tale or whatever Netflix I was binging that week, and disconnect.
Bedtime would roll around and by 9-10p (at the latest), I’d be in bed dozing off.
I read in a book once that routine allows your brain to rest.
While your body is in it’s memorized motion, your brain can be at ease.
That’s exactly how it felt. Easy. Safe. If I knew what each day would look like and what to expect, things felt good.
It felt so good that I got really good at pivoting.
It didn’t matter if I was traveling, I’d stick to the routine.
I’d go on work trips across the country, packing bundles of celery and my juicer in my suitcase in case I couldn’t find a juice store in the area.
I’d pack my workout bands, my matcha or my acv/lemon, my pre-workout, my post-workout shake, and bring my laptop so I could stream my workouts.
I’d eat the same meal at a restaurant or get as close as I could to it, eggs & toast.
For a long time, the consistency was fear driven after going through my health issues. I’d figured out what food/movement/mentality kept me feeling good and I didn’t want to risk not doing those things. I knew the safe foods, the workouts my body liked, and what I needed to do to stay mentally strong while I was in another space.
After a while, the consistency just became the norm.
Pivoting became the norm.
I developed a lot of this routine while I was a single-mom so I could construct everything in my day.
In 2018 when I started dating again after a divorce, my routine didn’t give. Glued in place, I stood firm in what I needed my day to look like, boundaries up, communicating that he needed to sit back and allow it.
If we made plans, they wouldn’t interrupt my mornings. I could give up my daytime & evenings, allowing myself to flow if needed, but my safety & security really came from my morning routine. If we had anything to do, it wasn’t going to get done until about 11a or after.
If we travelled for the holidays, I’d stick to my plan, making sure that I could still check my boxes, even if that meant I needed to wake up a little earlier.
I was talking to MJ about this and saying it all out loud made me realize why I always felt the need to prioritize my morning routine.
I’d never felt safety in my entire life. If you read my book, BARE, you’ll find that common theme. I spent decades looking for someone to make me feel safe, secure, steady, and solid.
My routine allowed me to give myself that because the relationship & season I was in felt so unaligned, so unsteady, and so wrong.
If no one else could give me what I needed, I’d create the day or life I craved, and I did that, bulldozing over anyone or anything that tried to interrupt my flow.
It was going to take a lot for me to give that up and it became my brand.
Things started to shift for me after the severing of that relationship I was in.
I started 2023 with a new vision for what I wanted my life to look like now that I was single and back in charge of my life.
There were some similarities in the 4-year vision I’d created and there were also a lot of things I’d let go of. I shared the vision I had for accountability and started to dissect it, curious on what I could start implementing now to channel some of that future me energy.
With that, I created a new routine.
One that felt a little more aligned with the path I was on and the direction I was going.
I released a lot of the shoulds that had once filled my day and asked myself: “If it’s going to look different, what would I want it to look like?”
If I am craving something else, what else?
If I’m bored doing home workouts, what could I do instead?
If I’m ready to mix up my food choices, what would that look like?
You can create a vision for anything, so that’s what I did.
My food.
My movement.
My energy.
My business.
I allowed myself to daydream and create a new normal.
And that’s what I did until April 1st, 2024 when I met MJ. Haha!
I told him, “It’s almost like the safety and steady I’d been craving is fulfilled by your entire presence.”
I found all of that in myself, gave me everything I needed and with him in my bubble now, it’s like what I need is shifting.
Does that resonate at all?
So this is where I’m at: I’d like to step off my throne, no longer claiming to be the Consistency Queen, I’m giving up my title!
In this season, it feels as if I need to go one week at a time. No more or no less.
This week may look one way and next week may look the next.
MJ is a pilot and with his schedule, he’s usually working for 4-5 day stretches out of state and we navigate our long-distance relationship.
On the other 2-3 days, he’s either here with me in Denver or I’m with him in Georgia where he lives.
Since April, this is how it’s flowed and because he feels so steady, so safe, and so aligned, I’ve released the reins to my schedule.
Fluid and flowing.
This is great when we’re together because we get to just be.
We will wake up whenever the dogs wake us up, make our matcha and enjoy it together in the living room while he watches the news.
My contacts aren’t in so I can’t see the tv, yet I don’t care. All I wanna do is lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat, so I do.
We get up after a little bit and I make breakfast for us, usually eggs, bacon, and biscuits; he likes to make little sandwiches with strawberry jam.
Afterwards, we grab our bikes and take our 4+ mile ride to grab a latte and explore the trails. The coffee shop has our order memorized now.
Everything after this is up in the air.
We will go to the ranch at some point, into Boulder for a drive, or a couple loops around the dog park. Sometimes all of it, and some days none of it.
I don’t read, I don’t always journal on these days either.
I don’t do an organized workout or meal, I surrender.
2016 Raina would be having a panic attack.
2024 Raina is absorbing the calm peace that he’s bringing into my life.
The 4-5 days that he’s working have really been my biggest struggle for a couple of reasons.
One - his schedule is never the same 4-5 days. Sometimes it’s a Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Sometimes it’s mid-week. When he’s working, I want to be in my new flow as much as I can be yet I struggle if it’s over a weekend, clinging to the idea that a work week is Monday-Friday. I need to break that.
Two - the routine I’ve always had, no longer lights me up. I think there’s a little fear in letting go of what’s always been.
Yet, with that, some excitement because what’s coming and what is, feels so, so beautiful.
MJ said, “The days that I’m not there need to be your Let’s Get It! days…” I smiled, because he’s right. Weekend or not, I need to pivot.
This week, I took off Monday-Thursday, enjoying his extra long break. We just played.
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be my work days this week as I actively work on leaving behind societies “work week” to build my own.
On my Let’s Get It days, I’ll restructure a flow that feels good, regardless of what day of the week it is.
I’ve also been putting myself in rooms with different people.
Kind of unrelated, but I’m trying to be more intentional with my circle.
I want to be around people that expand me, people that make me want to dream bigger and act bigger while in my feminine.
Because of this, I think some things might shift (coaching structure) while others are going to be given a little more attention (writing & retreats).
I’ve gotten off track…
Has it been hard having someone enter my structure/routine? In this season, no. It’s something I gladly shifted and surrendered because the peace I feel with him holds more value than my routine.
Are you able to hold your boundaries around your routine & habits? I’ve always been able to do this. It was a matter of what was important to me and what I needed to feel each day. Now, the boundaries have shifted along with the habits - and in this season, I’m more than okay with that.
Are you able to integrate your partner into some or all of your routines or do you keep them to yourself? There are some things that MJ just molds into like our early & slow matcha mornings. I love that time together. Our movement, we’ve gotten creative with different ways to move our body whether it’s a long walk, the dog park, riding bikes, going on a hike, or working with the horses at the ranch.
If it’s something you’re currently struggling with, allowing someone to come in without losing your ability to stay consistent, I’d encourage you to reflect.
When my kids were home more, I had to reframe the “distraction” in my mind, reminding myself that this time with them is short and use it as a prompt to be more in the moment.
When I was in my previous relationship, I had to communicate how important my routine was to me and how much it affected my mindset/mental health.
In and out of every life, new boundaries were required.
In and out of every season, there were things I needed to let go of in order to make room for what works & feels a little better.
I hope this helped. xx
