200 Pages

Holy shit. 

Sorry. I’m realizing that I probably start a lot of blogs & emails this way, in shock. Hah! You’re sitting there reading them all thinking, wow, Raina’s really lost it. The truth is, I’m realizing, uncovering, recognizing, noticing and shifting. That can lead to some surprises you didn’t know existed. All that to say: I finished 200 pages. 

I just went back to my April blog - 100 pages - and skimmed with a slight smirk on my face. EVEN THERE, even since April, there has been shifts and growth that have transformed me internally. I even asked my Therapist during our last session: How am I supposed to manage all of this self-awareness? I feel like I’m going crazy. I was 10% joking around, 90% dead serious. She giggled {she may think I’m a bit whack too} and just said, “Managing it will get easier and easier every single day you practice it.” I couldn’t argue. Every month that’s past has gotten easier and easier, with my practice (consistency). 

Don’t misread that. ^ The managing is getting easier and easier. Not my life. < This had to be one of the biggest discoveries as well. I had to let go of this idea that therapy, journaling, self-care, any of it, was going to allow me to never feel pain again. It isn’t going to change external circumstances or make our children/spouse act different, it’s going to change the way you interpret those things. By implementing the tools in my toolbox, I’m not living a pain-less life, I’m leading a life where I’m just choosing to see things a different way. 

Let’s just flip back a bit: 

PAGE 102: “…I see it now, like how crazy are you Universe!? The book - the talks about her wife napping & her frustration because she’s a busy body - always needing to be picking up or something. She admitted that it was jealousy because she had a belief that rest = lazy. 

Same, girl, same. 

But, I [just] sat for the whole day, well, I did some Archie training, picked up outside. But I took it slow. 

A year ago, I wouldn’t have allowed myself that luxury. Luxury was exactly how I saw it. Rest was for those who earned it, with blood, sweat and tears.”

PAGE 118: “…nerves today. This house hunt is so fun but I’m starting to get nervous. The one we just viewed, newly built. The smell was heaven haha. Perfect yard. Patio. Sunrooms + extra space. I stop & in my mind, I can place all of our things… I can picture us there in a home that feels good. 

But listen, we’re working on expectations. Haha

So, I need to be okay if we don’t get it and I will be, we will be. 

If it doesn’t work out, it’s not aligned. We looked, presented, & asked. And now all I can do is surrender.”

PAGE 132: “Breathing. I think my problem is that I have this warped, expectation-filled idea of what I think life should look like. 

That’s one. 

Two, I’m so clouded by my past that I have no idea of what’s even possible for me. 

10 years ago - I was so naive to what I wanted, I didn’t realize or notice a cap - so I just went for it all. 

Now, I’m imagining caps. Alea was spot on, I’m putting myself in this box. I’m putting the cap up, because I’m terrified. Of what? Failing, losing it all, going back through painful situations. 

BUT all the work I’m doing to avoid it is paralyzing me. It’s making it impossible to progress…”

PAGE 152: “This is trending… this urge to do what feels good. That’s what I want to follow. The feel good.

So today - handle the must-dos then write, let yourself write what is inside + what needs to come up. 

Breathe and take time to go outside today. 

Drive to the dispensary, get your weed, haha. 

A new program came out today, it feels good to recommit. To be consistent on my own journey. I love what I do - remember to remind yourself of the biggest parts you love. Breathe.”

PAGE 175: “I’m okay with retreating into myself for self-care. I think. But this people pleasing is painful. I want them all to be happy to the point where I could figure out something to apologize for, needed or not, and do it so quick just to make things fun and happy again. How much am I masking? Does anyone really even know > me < because some days I don’t think I even know. I’m not even close to realizing. What’s required for that? Quiet? 

Stillness for the answers. 

Worry seeps back in easily. Easier than I’m comfortable with. 

Close your eyes & breathe."

PAGE 192: “ I think I hit my routine jackpot. Update. Ahhh it felt good to wake up with the sun. I’ll keep doing that. I had my lemon water - had to skip yesterday. Fed the boys, got my workout clothes on, brows & hair. Took Kenzie to school, back by 730a to see Chad off to Atlanta, he’ll be gone till Friday night. Journaling now with the boys while Ella gets around for school. I’ll workout after, pause to help fix bangs, send her off to school then finish my workout. Today feels good, it’ll be good - busy, but good. 

I’m ready.

I’m open.

I’m breathing. 

Inhale confidence exhale doubt." 

PAGE 198: “I keep feeling this, its like a rush of nerves I’d get before the anxiousness kicks in. It doesn’t go to full blown anxiety or worry anymore because I’m in a constant state of reminding myself that I’m safe, fine. Nothing to be worked up about. Today, I get to chill and check off boxes. Everything on my list, I enjoy. I love. So it’s this wired feeling I have pop up as I start the day, so, deeper breathing. 

I’ve been tethering Archie to me for training. 

Brain wandering. 

We had a great day/night yesterday. Chads upstairs mediating now. This man. Really just makes my heart happy, a smirk on my face, and a deep breath. As my shoulders drop, I realize everything is as it should be right now. Everything I need is here now.

Breathing." 

••• 

Can I just stop for a moment and thank you for holding space for me to share this vulnerably? These are real pieces of my journaling and as I read them to type them here for you, some of them make me tear up and others make me smile.  

To me, it’s just amazing the journey that journaling can take you on. The journey to self discovery, self-awareness, and it’s a tool for the need to become a bit selfish now and then. 100 more pages passed and the lessons, I’m clinging to them. 

My friend, Michele Kambolis said: The right question, at the right time, can take you so deep into yourself that it’s transformative. 

But again - that’s not to say every day is good, light, and free from pain. You can see, even just in recent months, there are ups and downs that we all go through. We all live these little internal battles, some of us keep them inside, while others crave to get them out. Once they’re out, they no longer carry the same weight. 

We can then get better at filtering: what’s real, what’s not. 

What are the thoughts serving me and empowering me, and what are the ones paralyzing me? 

What questions can I ask to go deeper? There’s fear in going deep, but that’s where the real healing happens. 

xx Raina (see you in another 100 pages)

PS: If you want to start journaling, I'd love to help change your thoughts.