7 Days Off Social

It’s now been a week since I decided to take a social media break.

If you missed my newsletter, I’ll recap a bit for you: 

2,790 days.

That’s how many days I was logged onto social media with no stops or breaks. No vacations or sick days, no PTO or family days. Everything was on and plugged in, every day.

But, it is my job. That’s where I think it gets hard to grasp.

I wasn’t just this desperate woman in search of something to fill her gaps… no, I was a mom who found a job online that paid her to show up on social media, share the journey of health and fitness, get accountability, and have the flexibility to be with my kids. It’s a simple job, but hard in the fact that it forced you to show up every single day. Hard because when people are watching, you tend to do what you say you’re going to do. Hard in the fact that I had to show up and prove that what I was offering people really worked, and I did that.

I did it well. I did it really well. 

Business side of it aside, I got addicted. Funny thing, when you start to make positive changes in your life, you start to feel better! And you don’t want to stop, because, it feels good. As my body started to change physically, it became something I wanted to continue to work towards. I remember people asking me, “What’s YOUR goal right now?” And my only response was, “…to see what my body is capable of.” And so, I woke up every day, using social media as my accountability. I took my photos, I tracked my food, I moved my body and it felt good.

8 years later, I started to kind of wish that I could no longer be the focus of my page because the weight that had come with being that plugged into social media, I wasn’t ready for.

Trolls are out there, so are bots, and I quickly saw every follower as that, a bot.

After the years, every message received, bot. Every like, bot. Every comment, bot. It was the only way I could detach my feelings in the moment. Problem is that it took me a long time to get to the point where I didn’t want to fight back, defend myself, go off, or block. And by long time, I mean forever. Shit, I was blocking people up to the day I left logged out of IG.

Let me back up a little too. I started my health & fitness journey publicly, starting at 160lbs & 30% body fat, I shared that journey, every up and every down.

I went through a couple years of bikini competitions and gym life, people were there for all of it.

I moved from the only place I had known for my entire life (small town MO/KS), to San Diego to live ocean front… they were there for all of it.

I filed for divorce after finding out my husband was using drugs…still. They were they to wipe the tears and motivate me to stand back up.

I approached single parent life, and got so much help and advice from so many of them.

I tested my strength and travelled the world while I was single to find myself again. They were on every flight with me.

I got sick, really sick, and my entire support system was at my finger tips, there, for every surgery and recovery, cheering me on.

When I started dating, they were there to laugh with me through the newness (I was preggo & married at 18). And they watched as I opened back up to love.

...my point is that as I went through so many life changing moments of my life and the people of social media had a front row seat.

In the blink of a moment, I had to turn all of them into bots. It was heartbreaking… and it changed things a lot for me mentally and emotionally. 

I was listening to an Audiobook: Sitting by the Well; It’s a weird audio and I’m honestly not sure how I found it but it has helped me a lot. It’s kind of a lecture set up where she’s presenting to an audience, you can hear them laugh here and there, it’s a little distracting so stick with it. Also, don’t judge this book by it’s cover as it’s a little old feeling. You have to comment and tell me you feel it with this book too.

In the book, she says:

“When you sacrifice the old, you have no idea what the new is going to be. And most of us are in that terrifying position. The old questions don’t apply anymore. And we don’t even know what the new questions are.”

That hit home, as soon as she said it I could feel it in my gut.

Change is hard. Whether we’re moving on or going towards, it’s uncomfortable.

I got to a point where I needed to find out what my new questions were. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted, my identity was wrapped up in everything social media and who I was on screen, that I completely lost who Raina really was.

I mean, before RAINAVSFOOD, I had a blonde angled bob haircut and bangs. I had a 4 year old and a 5 year old, both in half day schooling. I was married, had been for several years, and we lived in Kansas. I worked as a Phlebotomist at a Children’s hospital and I didn’t have hobbies. No really, hobbies included going to family’s homes for dinners or afternoons. I think back and I didn’t really have anything I enjoyed outside of that. Oh, I knitted for a while.  Nothing to call mine and nothing that made me jump out of bed in the morning.

Why in the hell would I want to find the OLD RAINA? She’s dead.

Old questions in my life didn’t apply anymore so I came up with a few new ones. And I hope that maybe they’ll help you start a list of new questions also.

1. What do I want my day to look like?

A mentor of mine gave me an assignment to sit down a journal on this. Scenario one, what does a day in the life look like for you if you’ve actively worked towards what you want in life (make big changes, create new directions)? The second, what does a day in the life look if you’re not working towards what you want in life (staying comfortable, not pushing myself to grow)? When I sat to journal on this, I started with the first… my perfect day. What did it look like? I sat in my office quietly with my eyes closed and then I just wrote. It felt good, waking up on my schedule, even though it’s still early, it’s because I GET TO, not because I HAVE TO. See the difference? The afternoons were spent working, doing what I loved, not what I felt the need to do. There is a major difference.

Then, I paused and began to journal on the opposite, what would my day look like if I didn’t make the changes I needed to make or SHIFT… immediately, my mood shifted. My palms became sweaty and that off gut feeling that I’d just decided was my new normal, was there in full force. Even more, my handwriting changed. There was mess to it. The shift of beginning to write about that day affected me emotionally and physically. When I wrote, I could feel the pain, feel the sad, feel the lonely, feel the worry… and tears just started rolling down my face. It wasn’t because of what I was writing in my day, it was because what I was writing was my current reality. It’s life completely full of heavy, nauseating, worry. Seeping out on to everything I touched. That was my first sign.

2. What is a YES for me?

I knew my social break was coming and I could feel the lack of excitement inside me to show up every day. I began questioning everything I posted, shared, re-shared, tagged, commented on, etc. I questioned every story before I posted it and even deleted quite a few after posting. It’s like I had lost all confidence in speaking and sharing my truth. The thought of recording myself made me cringe and after a while, my feed broke altogether (fuck the algorithm, anyways). It was becoming a hard no, fast.
Another mentor of mine taught me a little mediation to help me identify my YES feelings and NO’s. When something is a YES, I can clearly feel it in my chest.

Another yes, my plants. I spent the end of the summer digging outside after we moved into this new home. We have the perfect spots outside for me to plant a full on garden. I would spend every day after work, knees in the dirt, pulling weeds. That’s all I did… all summer. But I loved it because it allowed me to shut things off. My hands were busy, my mind was too… and I got fresh air at the same time. Over October & November, some sadness set in because I realized I wouldn’t be able to dig daily for several months to come as the ground is freezing and plants are dying.
Chad knew that I was going to be taking a big break from social media so as a gift, he got me several books about gardening and implementing plants in your home. They’re beautiful books and they’re a BIG yes in my day. Even 30 mins of flipping through the pages, learning new things, and coming up with new ideas to implement has brought me back to life. We have a mudroom that’s more of a greenhouse (I’ll share more pics in my Newsletter) where I’ve stacked several of my indoor plants. It’s become my favorite room in the house. This weekend I even got my hands dirty for the first time in weeks and repotted some of my babies. It felt so good… such a big yes.

3. How many areas of my life can I (or do I) practice intention?

I became sort of obsessed with the journal I created for my Intentional Eating Course. It was the first time, ever, that I had written out what goes through my head when it comes to food and my mindset around it. Having experienced many eating disorders, gone in and out of competition prep, having an Ulcerative Colitis diagnosis and living with an ileostomy bag, I’ve learned a thing or two about your body and what it needs. Trouble is, most people don’t slow down to listen, instead, we just GO with everything in us.
Yep, I could definitely use intention in more areas of my life than just nutrition. So, I’ve been working. Internally and externally. My first goal, master intention with my fitness. I’ve been the person who’s spent hours in the gym and also the one slaying one home video workout after the next. And I’ll tell you, learning (or should I say paying attention) how to move your body and being present during that movement, oh it’s a game changer. And I do it with my routine… the daily habits I have, and so much more. I easily answered my own question and after journaling and observing, and felt so lead to share it. While my Intentional Eating Course has just started, I plan on putting together many more things like this after getting messages saying “This is exactly what I didn’t know I needed” because it really does make my chest say YES.

I’m no stranger to transformation. I’ve done it, many times yet each time, we have fear and worry leading the way. This week, I’m learning to recognize that fear and worry before it consumes me. I’m learning to see it, feel it… and just let it know that I’m here with it. It’s okay, and it will be okay… sometimes we just need a little reminder.

xx Raina